Thursday, June 15, 2006

Lesson 2: Everything Is Always About Sex

When traveling cross-country with pre-pubescent and pubescent boys, the conversation inevitably digresses into discussions about why most sexually transmitted diseases have funny names, the female anatomy and nocturnal emissions. Ignore this if you can, or use it as an opportunity to offer a little sex education if you have the stomach for it.

Subset A to Lesson 2

Burps and farts are also prevalent during road trips with boys. Be sure to bring some sort of spray to mask the odor. Perfume is not a good idea as spraying lots of it in an attempt to cover up the odor from the emissions of a 13-year-old boy who just ate a whole pizza can result in fits of gagging and sneezing.

Subset B to Lesson 2

Head slaps are common on long trips with boys. They often originate from the child in the backseat and leave lumps on the head of the child in the front seat. If the child in the front seat screams like a goat every time someone touches him, be sure to place him in the backseat for the duration of the trip.

Use bribes to alleviate the problem, if you must. A point system in which points are taken off for bad behavior and dessert is rewarded at the end of the day to any child with points remaining works well, too. But this could also be considered a bribe (and results in hyper children in the car at the end of the day).

If bribing children pricks at your conscious, be prepared to leave your parental guilt at your town of origin and pick it up again at your final destination. God will forgive you.

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